


That's not just friendship, that's romance too

by Tutselutse



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Boys Kissing, Bucky is kinda clueless, Drabble Collection, F/M, Ice-skating AU, M/M, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Bucky Barnes, Steve Feels, Steve Needs a Hug, so does bucky
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-26
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-03 18:03:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2859992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tutselutse/pseuds/Tutselutse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just silly drabbles I need to get out of my head</p><p>1) <i>he thinks about Steve's mouth: his signature half-smile when he knows he's being a little shit and the way he bites his bottom lip when he's caught up in drawing. The desire to kiss him again is so overpowering that Bucky finds himself walking back</i><br/>Steve and Bucky go to a bar, and it takes two girls, a fight and a impulsive kiss for them to realize how they really feel.</p><p>2) <i> but when he looks into her deep green eyes, he feels like something inside him clicks into place. </i><br/>Ice-skating AU, with Hockey-player!Bucky and Figure-skater!Natasha</p><p>3) <i>His heart hurts and sighs every time Bucky smiles at him </i><br/>Bucky is back, but he only remembers their friendship. The memories of love are still missing and Steve doesn't know what to do.<br/>Title's from The Strokes - I'll Try Anything Once</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Red Lips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this drabble happened because I couldn't stop thinking about Steve and Bucky kissing while Steve's lip was bleeding and Bucky had some girls lipstick on his. I don't why, but the thought kinda haunted me, until I had to write it.
> 
>  
> 
> I apologize for any mistakes. Please let me know if you see any, since English isn't my first language, and I could use the help

The bar is filled with people, smoking and drinking. Bucky buys two beers and sits down across from Steve in the corner.  
Steve looks even smaller than usual, sitting there in his dad's old jacket, his cheeks red and hair damp from the drizzle outside. He coughs into his sleeve, and Bucky knows him well enough to know he's trying to hide it. Trying not to seem weak.

"Too much smoke for you Punk?" Bucky asks and tries to cover his concern with  a smile. But Steve, the proud idiot, shakes his head and sips his beer.

"You let me know, and we'll leave" Bucky insists, before scanning the room. A loud laugh draws his attention towards two girls standing in the bar. _What do we have here?_ he thinks to himself, as he sips his beer, watching them giggle and laugh.

One of them is blond, in a blue dress and brightly red lips. Her figure is nice, curvy and she looks feisty. The other is a redhead, smaller figure, skirt and a white button-down. The blonde catches his eyes and smiles before whispering to her friend.

"Stevie, check out the two girls at the bar" he whispers "Don't they look nice?"

"They do" Steve agrees "You gonna talk to them Buck?"

"I might" Bucky winks. The blonde is looking at him again, and he sends her a smile. She returns it with a confidence that matches his and Bucky licks his lips. Oh he's definitely going to talk to her.

 

He's standing in the bar, trying to buy another set of beers, when a female voice purrs "Hey there soldier" next to him. He turns his head and stares into twinkling green eyes, in a heart shaped face framed by blonde curls. She's even prettier up close.

"Hello" Bucky smiles "What brings a doll like you to a bar like this?"

"I've always had a weakness for places filled with smoke and men" she replies, leaning in closer.

"Well then you've definitely come to the right place".

She grins and pulls out a cigarette, placing it between her very red lips. Bucky has lighter ready when she looks up, smirking confidently as he lights the cigarette for her. She blows out smoke and places her hand on his arm

"Thank you. I'm Barbara" she says, her eyes sparkling.

"Nice to meet you Barbara. I'm James" Bucky responds, leaning in a little.

"So, James... For how long should I touch your arm before you buy me a drink?"

"I believe another five seconds will do it" he chuckles "Would your friend like one too?".

Barbara brings her friend, the redhead, over, and Bucky's buys drinks for them, Steve and himself.

"My friend is over there, would you like to join us?" he asks them. Barbara nods and they follow him.  
  
They have to squeeze past a few loud men, drinking large pints, before they reach the table.  
Steve is already standing, ready to greet the girls, with his back straight and a nervous smile. He always gets fidgety and nervous around women, and all Bucky wants is for some girl to realize that Steve is the best guy out there. Maybe this time it'll work.

"Ladies, this is Steve, my best friend" Bucky tells them proudly.

"I'm Barbara, this is my friend Mary" Barbara smiles and sits down. Mary stops fiddling with her top button and shakes Steve's hand, before sitting down next to him.  
Mary is pretty, like a porcelain doll and she keeps smiling shyly at Steve.  
  
The evening is fun. It turns out Mary is passionate about cooking and baking, and it doesn't take long before she and Steve are discussing pie, both blushing and smiling awkwardly. Apparently there's a lot to say about crust, but Bucky doesn't hear it because that's when Barbara puts her hand on his thigh and asks him if he plays darts.  
  
Barbara's nose wrinkles when she concentrates, and Bucky finds himself distracted by the small freckles strewn across it and her cheeks. This is a girl after his head: flirty, fun and really good at darts. It doesn't stop him from standing close behind her, to help her with her shot. He has a hand on her hip, and his mouth by her ear, making sure his breath tickles her neck when he whispers little nothings to her.

 

The night goes on, flirting, cigarettes and beer until Barbara drags him into a corner behind the bathrooms, by his tie and they kiss. He has her pinned up against the wall in no time, and she's messing up his hair with her hands, scraping her nails across his scalp.  
  
Bucky pulls back when he hears angry voices and something being knocked over back in the bar. He thinks of Steve instantly. The punk is either involved or on his way to meddle. Barbara looks surprised, and Bucky smiles apologetically before running towards the sounds.  
  
Steve is standing next to Mary, hands raised and looking angrily at one of the loud men. A chair is knocked over and the man is fuming.

"I repeat what I said: The lady told you she's not interested, so back off" Steve commands. He doesn't look afraid, in spite of the man being twice his size. Before Bucky reaches the scene, the man roars and punches Steve right in the face. Mary shrieks and Steve falls over, hitting the floor hard, but of course he gets right back up, giving the larger man a defiant look.

Bucky runs in, pushes the guy and says "Back off buddy". The man is taller than him, but Bucky doesn't care. Nobody touches his Steve.

They're interrupted by a gigantic bartender, and a smaller old man. Steve, Mary and the loud man are kicked out for creating trouble. The older man takes one look at Bucky's hair, the smeared lipstick on his mouth and Barbara standing behind him, and kicks the two of them out as well.  


Barbara is furious at Steve and Bucky. Apparently it was "humiliating" and "horrible" of them to get into a fight. Mary says nothing, she hides behind Barbara and looks at the ground.

"Come on, Mary. We're _leaving_ " Barbara sneers and storms off.

Mary looks up and mouths a small _thank you_ at Steve before rushing after her friend, leaving them alone in the dark alley. Steve's lip is bleeding and there's a bruise forming on the side of his face, but that's not what makes Bucky's heart clench. No, it's the way his jaw is set, like he's biting to hard, fighting the pain. Bucky wraps his arm around Steve's narrow shoulders and hugs him, not sure what to say.

Steve looks up at him, and Bucky can see him fight back tears.

"Aw, dammit Punk, don't cry" he pulls him closer. Steve's blue eyes are big, and his lip is quivering slightly. He hasn't cried in years, always too stubborn and too strong. Steve might not be physically strong, but Bucky has never met anyone with as much backbone as him.

Bucky's stomach hurts when Steve cries, he just wants to stop it, to make it all better. He thinks about how he wants Steve to be happy more than anyone else in this entire world, as he looks into those kind blue eyes staring up at him and before he knows what has happened, he's pressed his lips against Steve's.

It takes Bucky a few seconds to realize that he is, in fact, _kissing Steve_ , and then he jolts back, shocked at his own actions. Steve has surprise written all over his face and Bucky quickly drop his hand from his shoulder, taking a step back. Steve frowns and opens his mouth, but Bucky beats him to it.

"I.. I... I'm sorry" he rambles, and runs out of the alley. His head is spinning and his heart is hammering in his chest. He's terrified and confused. Why did he _kiss_ Steve? A man. He kissed a man. What will Steve say now?  
  
They've always been friends, inseparable since childhood, and he loves Steve, obviously. He stops running, and runs his hands through his hair, groaning. This can't be happening, he's not supposed to kiss other men, that's all wrong. He's supposed to kiss girls like Barbara.

Bucky leans against a stone wall and takes a few deep breaths. Remembers Steve's small frame pulled close against him, and his dry lips, still soft and sweet against his own.

"Hells bells Barnes" he mutters to himself as he thinks back. Because those few seconds before he realized what happened had felt so real. So right. It had felt like the most natural thing in the world to lean down, much more natural than any other kiss he can remember.  
  
  
All his life he had been anticipating love, looking forward to spotting a fine dame and feel that _thing,_ love, inside his heart. To meet someone who made him smile, someone he wanted to protect and hug, and tease and kiss. The butterflies and clammy hands and goose-bumps people told him about.  
But now he realizes that what people talked about, that was how he felt about Steve. He just hadn't noticed, because he'd always felt that way about him. His love for him has been a part of him all his life. He loves skinny Steve Rogers, who never backs down, and always stands up against bullies, and he has loved him since before he can remember.  
  
"Well Bucky" he mumbles to himself "Now you make a choice: Are you gonna act on it?".  
  
The answer seems obvious, it's _Steve_ , and he's definitely worth it. But Bucky's scared. Their friendship is more important to him than anything else in this world, and he's not sure he would survive losing it. He can't risk scaring him off.

Then he thinks about Steve's mouth: his signature half-smile when he knows he's being a little shit and the way he bites his bottom lip when he's caught up in drawing. The desire to kiss him again is so overpowering that Bucky finds himself walking back to the alley.

It's empty when he gets there, and for a few seconds he panics, fearing something happened to Steve. Then rationality luckily kicks in: Steve probably just went home.

Bucky turns around and heads towards their apartment. It feels like his pulse quickens with every step he takes, and his mouth is dry with anxiety. One thing is for sure, no girl has ever made him as nervous as he is right now.

  
  
He can hear his blood rush through his ears as he walks up the stairs, he's chewing on his lip and trying to find the right words. He needs to make his feelings clear, but also make sure Steve doesn't feel pressured.  
He walks through the door, calling: "Steve?", and wincing at how shrill it comes out.

Steve walks out from the kitchen, a cloth pressed against his mouth. He lets his hand drop slowly, and gives Bucky a small smile.  
He's so beautiful, with his messy blond hair and eyes that are so alive, Bucky forgets all the things he wanted to say. All he can think of is how stupid he is, for not realizing how he feels, because it's so horribly obvious now.  
  
"Steve" Bucky starts, taking a step closer, "I, uh..."

"Buck, look it's not..." Steve interrupts "I mean: I didn't - uh, don't. I don't mind"

"Oh" Bucky breathes. He's incredible close to just saying goodnight and go hide in his room. He wipes his palms on his pants and takes a deep breath. _Do it_ , he tells himself, Steve looks at him expectantly and Bucky's stomach does a somersault. He takes another step forward.

"I'm not good at this... You - you know me better than anyone. And, I was.. I was kinda hoping you'd more than not mind"

Steve's blue eyes twinkle as he raises he's eyebrows in question, and Bucky sighs again.

"I mean - I didn't realize until tonight that... " he tries, but the words are all wrong and he doesn't seem to be able to find the right ones.

That's when Steve, the little shit that he is, walks up and takes his hand, because he knows. Of course he knows, he's always known Bucky better than Bucky knows himself.

"Honestly, it was over too fast for me to know whether or not I more than not minded it" Steve grins.

"Are you saying you'd like another taste, Punk?" Bucky smirks back. Steve beams and then they kiss. It's soft and warm, just lips moving slowly on lips, but it's the most intense kiss Bucky can remember having.

He can feel every small bit of his body that touches Steve's, and he's completely consumed by the taste of his mouth. It's not until the kiss grow hungrier and he can taste a bit of blood that he remembers that Steve's lip was busted. He pulls back a little, so they're standing with their foreheads pressed together, both panting slightly.

"Your lip is bleeding" Bucky whispers, placing a hand on Steve's neck and running his thumb back and forth on his jaw.

"Yeah... And you still have that girl's lipstick smeared across yours, Jerk" Steve breathes, and yanks at Bucky's t-shirt, smashing their mouths together and silencing Bucky's reply.

All the guilt that Bucky felt at the mention of Barbara dies quickly when Steve tugs at his lip with his teeth, and he lets out a small groan.  
  
They end up on their old beat up couch, mouth connected and hands roaming. It feels even better than Bucky imagined, because it's new and yet familiar, and he's definitely regretting not doing this sooner.  
  
They stop kissing, and just look at each other, holding hands. Bucky trails his other hand up and down Steve's spine, smiling a lazy and very content smile.

"I kinda love you" he whispers

"Jerk" Steve grins and nibbles on his jaw.

"I do though. Really, Stevie... I love you"

Steve looks up at him, and that dazzling smile Bucky hopes is just for him spreads across his face.

"I love you" he replies, and Bucky's heart skips a beat. Hearing it out loud makes his skin tingle and his stomach flutter, and he kisses Steve with all the love he can muster.

"You're all I want" Steve whispers between kisses.

"You have me" Bucky promises "You'll always have me".  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! ... so, uh, any thoughts? I considered ending it with "'Till the end of the line" instead, but then I thought it'd might be too cliché. Still not sure if I ended it right.  
> um... I'm on [tumblr](tutselutse.tumblr.com) , if you wanna say hi, that'd be more than welcome.


	2. See Your Warmth, Feel Your Strength

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like those two together, and my mind kinda went: Natasha => Ballerina => Figure skating. So this happened.

There's a certain state of mind, a silence inside, that hits Bucky every time he plays a game. He likes it. He likes the game, the cold air, the way the blades cut into the ice and the way the puck almost flies above it.  
He's good at it too. Put skates on his feet and the stick in his hand and he _knows_ exactly what to do, where to run, where to shoot, where the game will go.

Everyone says that he'll play it professionally in no time, that if it wasn't for his youth he would already. Some of the kids he played with when he started, but left behind, have a nickname for him. They don't say it to his face, but he's pretty sure it involves soldier somehow.  
  
Bucky removes his helmet and runs his hand through his hair when practice is over. It's been a while since he got it cut, and it keeps falling into his eyes. He can hear the usual giggle from the girls waiting to be let onto the ice. The figure skaters practice after the hockey players, and most of them are standing next to the rink.

"Hello Barnes" one of them chimes, batting her eyelashes. She's cute, and Bucky winks at her as he walks by.

He takes a long bath, and afterwards sits in his towel for a while, breathing slowly, replaying the practice in his head. Analyzing every move he made, looking for possible improvements.

  
He buys himself a cup of the thin cafeteria coffee and walks into the stands, looking at the rink.  
The speakers are blasting a classical piece he doesn't know and there's only one person on the ice. She's dressed in all black, and her hair is a fiery red. She moves gracefully around, twirling and spinning, her skates moving faster over the ice than anything Bucky has ever seen.  
  
When he drives home he sees her waiting at the bus stop. She wears a big grey hoodie, and she's looking at her phone.  
  
He notices her sometimes. She's never giggling and flirting with the hockey players, like the other girls. She's quiet and Bucky occasionally wonders what goes on in her head, what she thinks about when she sits on her own, looking bored with the world.

The team wins their 4th game in a row, and Bucky is told that the Howling Commando's have their eye on him. The congratulations become overwhelming and he sneaks out to get some air.  
  
The redhead is outside, leaning against the wall and with a water bottle in her hand. Bucky smiles at her. She is younger than he thought, but very beautiful with pale skin and full lips.  
  
"Hiding from people" she says, and Bucky is sure she's not asking.

"Yes" he agrees

"Some people feed of being near talent" she doesn't say anything else, but when he looks into her deep green eyes, he feels like something inside him clicks into place.  
  
They enjoy the silence, exchanging a few smiles but nothing else. Bucky watches his breath in the cold air, letting the feeling of peace wash over him.

They get interrupted by a swarm of people, asking both of them questions. She disappears but Bucky manages to hear someone call her Natalia.  
  
  
  
Bucky gets signed by the Commando's and leaves his old town behind. Two years pass as his career takes flight. He never really believed he would be able to make a living  out of playing, but now he is. It's unbelievable, amazing and terrifying. He has fans, people who show up to games with his name written on their face and banners, who cheer for him and write fan mail.

Not surprisingly Natalia takes it to the pro's as well. He sees her on TV sometimes. She dances in all black, mostly to dark, dramatic music, and people call her the Black Widow. Commentators, fans, everyone knows her by that name. Every time Bucky hears it, he's secretly happy that practically no one knows his old nickname. It's just an old ghost story that a few players know of.  
  
She doesn't seem to care, Bucky thinks, as he watches an interview. The name 'Natasha Romanov/Black Widow" is blinking on the screen, and he finds himself staring at those green eyes that calmed him those years ago before all the fame.  
  
  
  
The Winter Olympics is upon them, and Bucky is the youngest player to be selected for the national team in 40 years. He's beyond excited, and his mother keeps crying happy tears and calling him silly affectionate names. He gets interviewed more than ever, and he feels like he'll never get used to seeing himself on the cover of a sports magazine.  
  
People swarm around him the moment he walks out of the airport, trying to catch a glimpse of him. Apparently they love him in Finland. Most of the fans are sweet, but some people seem fake, and Bucky thinks of Natalia's words, that cold night.  
  
She leads in the Ladies' Single by a large margin. Her short program is slow and tortured, her long program is fast, with flashing lights and heavy beats. Bucky is blown away completely when he sees it. He envies the way she cuts the blades into the ice, fast and precise. Nobody moves like Natalia Romanov.  
  
She's interviewed after both program. She is quiet and reserved, and he hears people call her cold behind her back.  
  
They almost lose their semi-finals. Bucky is beyond angry with his own performance and he can't sleep.  
He ends up packing his skates and going back to the stadium. He knows it's a bad idea, but he needs to feel the ice under him, nothing calms him down more than flowing around the rink, feeling the cold air around him.  
  
There's already a light on when he gets there. Somehow he knows who it is, before he enters.  
Natalia is doing an upright spin in the middle of the rink.  
  
"I didn't know you liked practicing on hockey ice" Bucky says when she sees him.

"It was the easiest one to unlock" she replies, before speeding past him and making a toe loop, high up in the air.

Bucky ties his skates and enters the rink. He races a few laps, as fast as he can. When he slows down Natalia runs up behind him and takes his hand. They run together in silence a little. Then she lets go, hits him on the shoulder and says: "You're it" before running in the other direction.  
  
They play catch for almost an hour. It's a very even match, and their laughter echoes through the stadium. Bucky is chasing her again, she's way ahead of him but he guesses she'll change her course and runs in a circle. She does, and now he's close. He pushes a little harder and when he's behind her, he places his hand on her waist and lifts her up, spinning her around.  
  
Natalia laughs louder than he's ever heard before.  
  
They sneak back outside, and walk to the hotel. She smiles up at him, and hugs him before going for her room.  
No words are spoken, but Bucky doesn't feel like they're needed when he's with her, it's another kind of connection, and when he sleeps, he dreams of green eyes and cold air.

 

Before the finale, Bucky watches the Ladies' Single freestyle. China is amazing, Canada is better but Natalia... Natalia's freestyle is _deadly_. Bucky has never seen anything like it before. Her jumps, her spins, her makeup, everything is deadly.  
He's not surprised that she wins.  
  
The finale is against Finland, and it's the hardest game Bucky has ever played. The Finns are tough at hell and he's sweating so much under his gear.  
The puck is flying at him, and it's more instinct than thought, when he shoots it across the rink. Their team captain catches it, shoots it and makes a match defining goal. The audience roars and Bucky spins in happiness.  
  
They win. Bucky gets roaring drunk and sings 'we are the champions' until 3 a.m.

 

The figure skaters' gala show is incredible. Bucky's heart is beating when it's Natalia's turn. She enters the rink, and he almost drops his jaw. She's in all white, with a flower crown resting in her red curls.  
She dances to River Flows In You, and it's so beautiful he almost cries.

 

There's a victory party. Bucky wears a nice grey suit and small talks with people he's never met. He spots Natalia by the window, sipping champagne. Her hair is tamed, and she is wearing a long dark blue dress. He walks over and takes her hand, leading her towards the dance floor.  

Neither of them speak as they slow-dance. And they don't say goodbye at the end of the party.  
  
  
  
Another year passes. Bucky buys a large apartment and a nice Mercedes.

It's in the middle of a game, some big bloke knocks into him and he falls. His arm makes a horrible cracking noise, and white, blazing pain shoots through it. When they remove his gear, he can see the bone poking up in a very wrong way and he passes out.

 

He's out for the rest of the season, and probably the next one too. It'll take forever to heal, or at least that's what it feels like. Bucky spends way to much sitting in his apartment, watching old friends re-runs, eating Pop-Tarts and hating his life.  
  
One day Natalia shows up. She doesn't say much, just cooks him a large pot of soup, makes coffee and sits next to him. He falls asleep on the couch, and when he wakes up the next morning she's gone, but there's a blanket over him and a glass of water on the coffee table.

  
Even though she didn't say anything and she only visited that one time, it's still enough to make him wake up and take his life back.

 

His arm is better when he goes to see her compete in the World Championship. Camera's are flashing and they're throwing questions at him. He smiles and tells them this isn't about him, it's about supporting the figure skaters.

She comes in second, and Bucky finds her drinking alone in the hotel bar.

"I'm sorry" he tells her as he sits down.

"Everybody is" she replies, and takes another sip from what appears to be vodka on the rocks.

"She was better though" Bucky mumbles. He doesn't know why he says it, but Natalia looks up at him, and smiles.

"Thank you" she says sincerely "Everybody has been telling me I deserved it, that is was a mistake. But she _was_ better"

"I would never lie to you" Bucky whispers. Natalia just nods, but he knows she understood. She might even understand this better than he does.

 

His arm is healed. He's about to play his first game in more than 12 months, and he's beyond nervous. He knows everyone is ready to judge him, to see whether or not he's lost it.  
  
Natalia shows up, and she catches his eye from across the room. She sends him a little, knowing smile, just for a second, but that's more than enough. Bucky heads out on that rink ready to prove he never lost it.

He is sure it was her presence that pushed him to play one of his best games yet.  
  
  
The tabloids have always called her cold. She got a hard beating after the championship, but she rose above it. Even when they called her a cold fish or judged her for her Russian background.

This time however, someone got a picture of her undressing, and it's a shit-storm like no other. What are those scars? What happened to her body? One of the sleaziest tabloids run a full cover story about how she's bulimic, and lots of horrible people post comments about how she's way to "fat" for that to be true, or joke about how it's "obviously not working".  
  
Bucky tries to call her but she doesn't answer. Another week and another dozen articles picking her body apart later, he drives to her house.  
  
She looks broken when she opens the door. It's the first time her green eyes has ever looked so empty.  
And Bucky doesn't think. He just kisses her, like he wanted to ever since he saw her dance the first time. Kisses her until the fire is back in her eyes.  
She's tugging at his hair, holding on to him like she'll wither without him.

He fumbles with her shirt buttons, and she walks backwards, pulling him with her, into her bedroom.

Bucky doesn't break their kiss until she's naked. Then he trails kisses down her body, making sure he kisses each and every scar she has. Making sure she feels him worship her body just as it is. He finds himself obsessed with her thighs. The soft, white skin hiding so much strength and power.

She's so warm beneath him, much warmer than he'd thought.  
  
They lie together afterwards, limbs tangled and breaths uneven. Bucky kisses the top of her head, feeling his eyelids drop. Before he falls asleep, he feels more than hears her mumble something Russian into his skin.

 

He's in the stands for her next competition. He smiles smugly as she dances to Yellow Flicker Beat, hoping people catch the hint. He hears someone behind him call her cold. He shakes his head. They don't understand, they don't see how warm she is.  
Sometimes he wishes they would. But most of the time he's happy that they don't. That he's the only one who truly understands her. Just as Natalia is the only one who understands him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wonders.. Yes, there's a difference between ice-hockey ice, and figure skating ice. The ice for figure skating is harder.. I didn't just make that up... :)


	3. Waiting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a continuation of Red Lips (first chapter), but can be read as a stand alone. There will be 3 parts, all in all.

Steve sits patiently at the kitchen counter, a blank page in front of him. Clint is slurping soup next to him, but he doesn't hear it.

Bucky remembered something last night, something important, and he sat all morning looking out the window, his face sullen. It has been hours since he got up and walked out. Steve fidgets in his seat. He should let Bucky deal on his own. But oh wow he's worried.

Last time Bucky remembered something, he spent several hours wrapped around Natasha. He kissed her scar, and patted her hair and Steve had to leave the room and punch some bags.

Because he remembers good things. Like Steve being skinny, and getting in fights. He remembers riding the Cyclone on Coney Island. But he doesn't remember them holding hands when they ran from the rain that night. And he doesn't remember all the times he kissed Steve until his weak lungs hurt.

Steve looks down at the paper in front of him. He wishes he could just show Bucky all the drawings of them together he has made, and make him remember. But it would be too pushy. Bucky needs to remember on his own.

He pushes the chair back and gets up. Walks to the fridge. Opens it. Changes his mind. Closes it. Turns back around. He doesn't know what to do with himself.

Natasha is sitting in his seat now, her feet on the table, looking at her phone. He didn't even hear her walk in. Steve puts his hands in his pockets.

"They will be down soon" she says, not looking up.

"Who?" Steve asks. He takes his hands out of his pockets again and scratches his forehead.

"James and Stark" she replies and crosses her ankles. Clint looks up at her. Steve knows he's still upset. Natasha shows him a picture on her phone and he snorts. Steve opens the fridge again.

"So he's talking to Stark?" he tries to sound nonchalant.

"Yes" she says and when Steve turns around again, she's looking at him with curious eyes. Clint gets up and clears the table. He leaves and Natasha follows him shortly after, sending Steve a grimace.

It takes him a minute to discover she has stolen his sketchbook. He sighs. Her and Clint are either fighting, yelling or in bed. Maybe all 3. Following wouldn't be a good idea.

He wonders why Bucky is talking to Stark. Hopefully he'll find out when they're done.

After a third look in the fridge, Steve decides to stop moping and go for a run. Maybe it'll clear his head.

It doesn't. Not really. But there's still something soothing about using his muscles as hard as he can. Showering in warm water helps as well.

When he's dressed, he walks into the living room. Natasha's there, flipping through his sketchbook, a smile on her lips that he can't identify.

"Nice drawings" she says, flipping another page, "I particularly like this one. You really captured his smile" she shows him one of his many drawings of Bucky. Steve sits down next to her and she hands him the book, locking his gaze.

"For a long time all we had was each other. Two broken people, but stronger together. He remembers it now. Loving me, forgetting me and shooting me" her voice is low, "He will remember you too. The Red Room did all they could to remove his love for you, to make sure they could control him. But they failed. He will remember" she promises and Steve closes his eyes and sighs deeply.

"Sometimes I doubt it" he admits and it hurts so bad to say out loud, "Sometimes I feel selfish for not being happy with what he does remember"

"He will" she repeats and gets up. Steve watches her go. Oh God how he hopes she's right.

***

Stark walks into the kitchen and heads straight for the coffee. Steve looks up from the pasta sauce and nods at him. He pales and pushes his sunglasses up higher. Steve raises his eyebrows.

"Don't get your spangled panties in a twist, Cap. I need time, and some booze, but I will forgive him. Soon, hopefully" Stark talks fast, and grabs his coffee mug and walks out before Steve can reply.

This is a weird day, Steve thinks to himself as he watches Tony go. He continues his cooking, debating whether or not he should go and find Bucky.

"Food smells great Stevie" Bucky sighs behind him "Enough for two?"

Steve nods and splits the spaghetti and sauce into two bowls. He sits down in front of Bucky at the counter and passes him his food.

They eat in silence. Steve keeps glancing at Bucky. He wants to ask, but he's not sure if he should. Bucky is chewing slowly, obviously still thinking about his talk with Tony. When he catches Steve looking at him, he sighs and puts down his fork

"I killed Stark's parents" he says. Steve drops his fork

"That's what we talked about all morning. I know you're curious"

"Yeah, I... What?" Steve stutters "No. _What?_ "

"The car crash wasn't an accident. It was me" Bucky tells him

"Oh" is all Steve can say. Bucky pushes his plate away and gets up. Steve watches him go for a moment, but then he runs after him. He can grieve Howard later.

He grabs Bucky's arm and turns him around "I'm sorry -I" he starts

"Steve, don't"

"Stay" Steve says, "Just stay with me"

"Dammit Punk" Bucky sighs and his lips tremble. Steve pulls him in for a hug.

They stand there for a while, arms wrapped around each other and synchronized breathing. Steve can't help but enjoy the way Bucky smells. Oh God he missed it! When they finally let go, Bucky looks up at him and smiles weakly. Steve breath hitches, because he's so close and his lips look so soft and _God_ he wants to kiss him.

He quickly drops his gaze, and ignores the urge as Bucky claps him on the shoulder

"Thanks, pal" he smiles "I think I'm gonna finish my meal"

Steve joins him at the counter again. He watches Bucky, as they eat. Watches the strands of hair that has fallen out of the bun and frames his face. Watches the blue eyes and dark lashes, the way his chest rises and falls with his breaths. His heart hurts and sighs every time Bucky smiles at him.

Natasha strolls in and takes Bucky's fork out of his hand and starts eating out of his plate. He pushes her playfully and they both chuckle. Steve watches them fight over the fork and laugh. He can't help the jealousy that bubbles up inside him. He loves Natasha, but he envies the comfort she and Bucky shares.

"Clint needs a sparring partner" she says and gives Bucky a pointed look

"He can't take me" Bucky smirks and gets up. He kisses Natasha on the forehead and steals the last pasta from her

"Thanks for the lunch Stevie" he calls on the way out. Steve grabs the dishes and starts cleaning. Maybe a little rougher than needed. Natasha leaves. Probably to spy on the training. Hopefully the fight will give Clint some catharsis or closure or something.

***

Steve sits in his chair and draws. He wanted to draw Bucky happy, but he somehow ended up flirty and bare-chested. Steve blushes as he draws Bucky's stomach and hip bones. Okay, he is in fact naked in this drawing. Naked and seductive, in that happy, playful way he used to before the war. And those few times in Europe when they didn't have to rush things. Steve smiles when he thinks about it. Then it hurts.

He looks at the drawing. He will wait. This is not the end. He will wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, poor Steve. I love these two idiots.  
> Thanks for reading! If you see any mistakes, or have any comments, don't hesitate to tell me!


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